The Latest From Rachael Ray

It was a lovely Food Network holiday commercial - that is, until Rachael Raytard uttered these words, while smirking at the camera and patting the lower part of her pot belly:

"Stockings won't be the only thing getting STUFFED this year."

EWWWWWWWWWWWW. GAG. Why Food Network? Why?!

Observations

Time for another one of my observations posts because there is just so much going on in the world of TV.

Survivor
What's worse? Pulling out a fake idol or not using an idol and getting eliminated? Hmmmm. James, poor James. You got played big time. Oh how I hoped he'd pull out one of his idols and ruin Amanda's little plan. Damnit! I hope that annoying stick-figure, Courteney, gets ousted next. Buh-bye.

House
House FINALLY chose a team and ended the torturous Survivor-like plot - THANK GAWD. And I only have one other word to say - KUMAR!!!

I Love New York
I'm not sure why I haven't done a post on this, since it's my favorite reality show. I'm not ashamed to admit it! Even though he was eliminated awhile back, I think Midget Mac was the most normal and genuine person on the show. I have no idea who New York is going to choose, but she better be careful when she meets the families next week. Although if she gets dumped on the reunion show again, it'll mean another season of mayhem. And how scary are Sister Patterson's claws? How the hell does she do anything with those things? Eeek.

Top Model
I can't believe Tyra kept that wench, Jena, over Heather. Ugh. That girl has horrific hair and huge piano keys for teeth. Chantal is just as bad - she's a blank mannequin. Makes no sense!

As for the rest, I'm drawing a blank. What a boring, freezing night. Yawn.

Best Survivor Ever

What I'm about to admit is slightly embarrassing. While getting ready to go to last night's Rangers game, I debated whether or not to tape Survivor. Am I that bad of a TV addict that I need to record a reality program? Yes, it appears that I am. At the last second I decided to throw in a tape. All I have to say is - best decision of the night! Last night was, I'll say, the best episode of Survivor that I've ever seen. The anticipation kept building and building and the tribal council turned out exactly as I, and probably everyone else, hoped.

I guess if you don't watch Survivor, you may want to skip this post. Tribes merged, Frosti won individual immunity, PG was sucking up to James, Courtney is a stupid idiot who just wants to make friends, blah blah. Let's just talk about the star of the show - the hidden immunity idols. If we all recall from last week, Todd gave James the immunity idol from Fei Long with the belief that Zhan Hu would throw the challenge to get him kicked off. James would then use his idol to get rid of Jaime. Plan backfired, but it still left James with immunity. This episode he found the second immunity idol by prying planks of wood from the tribal gate at Zhan Hu! The key here? The first plank he pulled was blank on the other side. He tossed it on the ground and didn't have a chance to put it back up before PG, Jaime and Erik returned. It turned out to be a stroke of luck. Jaime found it and believed SHE had the immunity idol. She even went through James' bag, found the REAL idols (by the way, how dumb is it that he just left them in his bag?) but obviously didn't turn them over. They pretty much look the same on the outside so she assumed that there were three idols. James realizes what's going on and, as soon as the tribes merge, tells Todd what happened - let the campaign to humiliate Jaime begin!!

Jaime, meanwhile, is so freaking smug throughout this whole thing and brags about how she's really good at playing dumb and how everyone's going to be shocked that she has the immunity idol. Ohhhh this was gonna be GOOD. I was hoping and hoping that she would bring out her fake idol at tribal council. So we get to tribal council and there's some boring smack talk between Courtney and Jean-Robert (yawn) - and then the votes are cast. As Probst is about to read the first vote, Jaime interrupts him and hands him her "immunity idol." Probst explains what happens when one uses the idol and then says "but this is not the idol" and throws it into the fire! The look on Jaime's face is priceless and James and Todd could barely control their hysterics. The votes are tallied and it's bye-bye Jaime. It's turns out you're really, really good at being dumb. IDIOT!

Fainting With The Stars

I'll get right to it. Marie Osmond passed out on live TV tonight. There she was, after performing a pretty good samba, waiting for her scores and all of a sudden...she's on the floor. They immediately cut to commercial and I was stunned. I've passed out numerous times and know how scary, and then humiliating, it can be. I was thrilled to see that she was completely fine when they came back from the break. I thought the judges could've given her better scores though. She even apologized - no need for that girl, we're just glad you're alright!

While I've never passed out on live television, I did faint in front of an entire restaurant (The Redeye Grill here in NY) - and had to be wheeled out on a stretcher by some very gorgeous firefighters. Talk about mortifying. But back to Dancing With The Stars, I think Mark Cuban should FINALLY get the boot this week. But who knows.

My favorite dance of the night? Cameron Matheson and Edyta - HOT HOT HOT. And I think Sabrina and Mark have a little rumba going on in private, if you know what I mean.

Tomorrow, prego J-Lo will be performing for the results show. I'm sure there'll be plenty of "bump" jokes to go 'round...and, hopefully, no passing out.

Too Much TV

If you read my NY Ranger blog, you'll see why I haven't been typing. The other reason is because my computer suffered a slow and painful death; leaving me unable to access the web. But thanks to a new computer, I'm now back online.

Due to my annoying medical luck, I've been watching way too much TV lately. I'm actually getting sick of it. Who knew I'd ever say that. Now that I'm better I think I'll be cutting back - except during my twilight insomnia hours.

I'm sure I could go on and on about different shows I've been watching, but for right now I want to talk about how annoying last night's Survivor was. It started out rather interesting - each tribe got to "kidnap" two players from the opposing tribe. But then things got aggravating. First of all, did anyone else want to tell Jaime to stop sucking in water from that disgusting lake? She and virgin-boy Erik were getting their flirt on and Jaime kept smiling as she dropped her toothy grin in the water. Then she kept spitting it out all over the place. GROSS. Just keep your head above the damn water!! Later on, she and her nitwit cohort, Peih-Gee, decided to throw the challange so they could oust one of their new "kidnapped" tribe members. Their rationale? They wanted to keep as many of their original tribe members in play berfore the tribes merge. BUT, she's assuming she knows exactly when that's going to happen. Why not keep your two new, and quite strong, players in for as long as possible? I really hope this bites them both in the ass. Plus, if you're going to throw a challange, don't be so damn obvious about it.

Another random thought about Survivor. It never ceases to amaze me that, for as long as this show's been on, NOBODY ever knows how to start a fire. You'd think you'd try to get this skill down before getting to the island. Yet, time and time again, people have to wait until after the first tribal council to get it. Sheesh. As for me, I'd rather go on Big Brother.

"god" watches Big Brother?

It looks like CBS should've called this season of Big Brother, The Religious Season. Let's see...there's Kail, who doesn't understand gay people...there's the always sobbing Amber, who's always having conversations toward the ceiling...and then there's Jameka, who says that god already knows the outcome of the game and she's just following his plan. I realize that people have a right to believe in whatever they want, but this is DELUSIONAL. Even if there was a god, do you think it would give a rats ass about your status on a TV show? That it would take time out of a very busy schedule to make sure that your name was picked to play for the Golden Power Of Veto? I found last night's episode to be so scary I almost had to act like Evil Dick and leave the room (or, in my case, switch the channel). What's even scarier is that Jameka is a school counselor and is probably warping children's minds with this nonsensical crap. I hope, despite what she says, they realize that THEY control their life, not some invisible, non-existent ghost floating up in the sky.

Demon Dummy From Hell

I couldn't get to sleep last night - do you know why? I was afraid a demonic ventriloquist dummy named Fats was going to sneak into my room and kill me. It was all because of the 1978 Anthony Hopkins thriller,"Magic," which aired on AMC's Friday the 13th fright fest.

How freaking scary is that? Sir Anthony played a ventriloquist named Corky who's driven to murder by his dummy. Even though I'm terrified of ventriloquist dummies, clowns, marionettes, etc. I decided to watch anyway. The movie wasn't that great, but you could absolutely see Sir Anthony's potential. The man was born to play psychos. Corky starts out as a lame magician who finally finds the right gimmick - a creepy and crass dummy that gets the crowd howling. His agent gets a sneaking suspicion that Corky is getting a little too attached to his wooden partner and asks him to get a medical evaluation. Corky runs for cover in the Catskills and gets reunited with his high school sweetheart, played by the fabulous Ann Margret. First of all, if a guy always comes to your house with a dummy and includes the dummy in all of your conversations, wouldn't you find it really odd? I totally would, but Ann couldn't get enough of it. There's this one scene where they both have decks of cards and he has to read her mind to figure out which card she has. When it doesn't work, Corky FLIPS OUT and screams at her to concentrate. She's absolutely terrified but goes along with it and focuses with all of her might. It works the second time and he's able to match her card - the three of clubs. She goes from being terrified to turned on in an instant. Huh? She kneels before him and they retire to the bedroom so she can see his real "club". Ugh.

Corky's agent tracks him down and challenges him to speak without the puppet for 5 minutes. By the way, throughout the whole movie I thought the dummy's name was "Vats" but it's actually "Fats" - not that that makes any more sense. After Corky fails to have a conversation sans Fats, the agent says he's going to get him medical help. Fats tells Corky to stop him and Corky swings Fats at the agent like a baseball bat. Fats yells out in pain and in the next scene, his head is bandaged up. Hilarious. It seems like Fats is very jealous of Corky and Ann's relationship. Corky kills Ann's husband (she was a cheatin-bitch) but cannot bring himself to kill Ann. He winds up jamming a knife into his own stomach and dies beside his dummy. Did I mention they were wearing matching outfits? I swear, when this ended, I stared at my door and waited for Fats to come in with a butcher knife. AGGGHHH!!!

Runner up for scary dummy: Pinocchio in the D-classic, "Pinocchio's Revenge."